She’s no friend of mine, that’s for sure.
Yet often she comes unannounced and uninvited, being comfortable in the space of my mind and heart.
Yours too.
We find ourselves feeling helpless against her, this voice-in-our-heads standing as judge and jury. Whispering, shouting, she mocks in disheartening ways.
Reminding of the last time we tried, and failed :: of the efforts we’ve made answered with criticism or ridicule, or simply misunderstood. When we’ve walked in faith, moved beyond fear, sailed high…but then missed the mark.
A keeper of wrongs, she can be relentless in tearing our spirits to shreds. Not satisfied with one, this self-appointed critic finds space in friendships, in marriages, in homes, in churches.
Sometimes she’s me. Is she ever you?
I call her Speaking Ugly. For what beauty is there in demeaning ourselves or others?
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Most of my life, I’ve dealt with fear :: trembling, shaking, terrifying kind of fear. In junior high, test anxiety threatened to make eighth grade the worst year ever, perfectionism ruling me with an iron hand. I wanted to please everyone, to not rock the boat, to make them happy.
High school, college, dating and marriage all found me walking the tightrope hoping, yet actually knowing it was impossible to keep everything in check. Speaking Ugly lived in my head and defined my heart attitude. The competition wasn’t ever about others, the battle was mine alone. I needed to be better…than myself.
For I wasn’t good enough according to her. Not smart enough, holy enough, pleasing enough or acceptable enough. All the while, I loved Jesus. With childlike devotion, at a tender young age, I fell head-over-heels for the One who saved me. I knew Him, yet never felt I pleased Him.
Speaking Ugly. She totally stole the show.
But not forever. I found an antidote to her poison, one way out of the mess.
The Voice of Truth. Like a prince fighting for his princess, He waged war on this tendency of mine to see lack within, to think less of and to discredit myself. One by one, the Voice of Truth replaced Speaking Ugly’s lies…
…with more of Himself. He became not only my Lord, but my Love as well.
She still makes attempts, and sometimes enters these thoughts of mine. But Speaking Ugly’s no longer a permanent resident, there’s a new Voice living here now. Beauty reigns.
*****
If you too dear sister struggle with this bent, may I encourage your heart today? It’s how I found my way out…
Immerse yourself in God’s words about you — this is the Voice of Truth!, speaking a different story than the one you’re believing. Know whose you are and to whom you belong.
When you’re tempted or cave in to speaking ugly, rehearse Truth. Beautiful truth.
Find others to uplift you in prayer; feel free to leave a request in the comments, we are ready to pray for you.
Grace in this journey…